TRIGGER WARNING
Time to get real. We have all faked it at least once in our adult lifetime. Hopefully, you have never felt like you had to do it out of fear.
Before I get going, let's get some facts out of the way super quick.
1 in 6 women have been raped, faced attempted rape, or have been sexually assaulted at least once in their lifetime. The instances for date rape are even higher at 1 in 3, especially in females ages 12-34. It isn't uncommon, at all. Matter of fact, sexual crimes are quite the pandemic.
Date rape, a term used largely in industrialized countries to describe the forcing or coercing of a victim into unwanted sexual activity by a friend, romantic suitor, or peer through violence, verbal pressure, misuse of authority, use of incapacitating substances, or threat of violence.
It took me a long time to accept it for what it really was. Rape. It's still hard to say that word out loud.
It never crossed my mind that I had a choice. I already knew what would happen if I didn't comply ... and if I didn't, at least, PRETEND to like it.
The use of fear easily controls even the most unwilling.
My mission, I had no other choice but to accept, was to make this "man" happy. No matter the cost to me. I had to survive. I knew the physical violence could be the end of me. That HE could be the end of me. He was strong, fit, fast, and had already proven he followed no moral code. I couldn't defeat that.
If he was wound up, if he was angry, if he thought I was sleeping with someone else and assumed I just didn't need him.... if I didn't stroke his ego and let him know how "good" he was.... I knew exactly how he would respond. I mean, shit, he beat me for not praising his cooking enthusiastically enough. So, I faked it and I faked it good.
"Either lube it up, or I am going in just like this", he would say as he flipped me over.
"Do it or you'll be sorry"... as he pushed my head down.
"Why do you make me hurt you?"...after smacking me with full force.
"I love you, you know I do.".... as he looked deeply into my eyes.
"My ex was so good at this. Why aren't you?"... shakes his head in disgust.
"Do you know how many women would come running for this if I left you?"... throws my face from his grip.
"What, I'm not good enough to be loud for? Take that off your face."... and yanks the pillow from my hands.
"That's right... I knew you would like it.".... praising himself as I faked it.
Either I didn't fake it as well as I thought... or he just liked to hold the power. I'm betting on the 2nd one.
I can't remember if the door to my apartment was unlocked or if my brother had a key. Either way, one night, he and his friend (my now husband) stopped by at the most embarrassing time. That's right.... right in the middle of my fake throes of passion. Talk about humiliating. At least they didn't SEE it ((face palm)).
While it seemed as if I was in the midst of the best sex of my life... I was really screaming for help. In my head, I was hoping, to all the Gods, they just KNEW I wanted to be saved. But, like I said, I faked it and I faked it good.
My husband and I have since talked about that night. Up until 10 years ago, my husband had always thought I was truly happy with my ex. He was very angry when he found out the truth. Once he knew what I had gone through... and he had no idea... and he could have stopped it if he had known.... I imagine he has some emotional sorting of his own to do.
My husband is not the kind of man that would allow any woman to be hurt. He was in fight after fight in middle and high school, defending friends who had been mistreated. He was the answer to the bully problem where ever he went. Had he known.... he would have killed him, I'm sure.
Humiliation, fear, shame, confusion... all jumbled into one big ball of freak the fuck out. That was me after the relationship was finally brought to an end. If you read "Save me".... you know how it ended.
I remember thinking.... How could you just let him do what ever he wanted? How could you just lie there and take it? How could you even pretend to enjoy what he did to you?
In my head, the "shame on you's" kept right on coming. I had to sort out what had happened. I had to process just how powerful fear truly was. I had to accept that I did what was necessary to survive and appease the crazy person I had let in my life. I had to admit that I had been powerless in that relationship. I went over and over it in my mind, driving myself crazy. Then, when I felt like I was going to lose it for good, I decided... ENOUGH. I did what I had to do and I SURVIVED. There's no shame in that.
The truth was, yes, I had let this crazy into my life...... BUT! I am a firm believer in learning from the past. I can't do that if I don't accept the role I played in what happened. There were signs. I did see them. I could never specifically pin point what those were, but, the flags were there, flashing bright red like a strobe.
Instead, I questioned it. I doubted myself. I allowed the words of my mother to influence what I saw and knew to be wrong. I do take some responsibility in that. If I didn't... if I just went on believing there was nothing I could have done to stop this from happening... I was doomed to repeat it.
Now, this absolutely does not mean it was my fault. It does not mean I am in any way, shape, or form an accomplice to my own rape. It simply means, from that point forward, I needed to ENSURE I heeded the warnings in the future so that I did not fall into the same trap again. I had to break the cycle.
We need to teach our youth to never doubt themselves, to trust that red flags are very real. We need to raise them with the belief that they are worthy of right and good. They need to understand and believe that those who seek to hurt you are the ones who are to blame. We also need to ingrain in them that they have a choice,and, it is NEVER too late to change their minds.
In today's world the bullies are catered to. In schools they are offered rewards and given leeway. In the adult world they are offered free lawyers ... promised their rights will be protected.... safety from judgement. Their livelihoods are bubble wrapped and taken into consideration.
Mean while, those who suffer at the hands of bullies or criminals... (the only difference is age) ...are told to be quiet... to sit down and be respectful... not to interrupt the class ... not to disrupt the workplace.... don't cause a scene. Victims continue to be victimized because everyone silences us. Why?
Remember when I said, he had already proven he followed no moral code?
As moral people, you and I, we do. We are raised with the commandment "Thou Shall Not Murder".
Think about the wording of that. Thou shall not MURDER.
I read a quote the other day that struck me.
"I would, therefore, say that for no reason, except in self defense, should one think of killing an animal"
-Morarjji Desai
Self defense is not murder. Why is it ,we as a nation, are not taught this? Why are we taught to just give in?
When we think about what is socially accepted in society, not once do I have any recollection of self defense being ... well... being ANYTHING that existed. We have to change that.
Knowing this now, I can't help but believe;
Had I known that I had the RIGHT to say NO and to back it up when it wasn't enough...
Had I known self defense was not morally wrong and it was my right...
Had I known I could PHYSICALLY fight back.... eh, this one wouldn't have mattered because I was never stronger or faster than them. That's why fear worked so well.
But, if I knew I was worth defending...
I may not have been so afraid to tell someone.
I may not have been afraid they would come after me once I left.
I may not have been fearful of what others thought.
I may not have feared shame so much that the threat of physical force seemed... better.
We have to change the view of society when it comes to defending ourselves from those bullies. Apathy is and will always the killer of innocence.