As a firearms instructor for women, I have to say.... I truly love what I do. When I get on the range with one of my students it's like the whole outside world disappears. It's just me, my student, and her defensive goals.
I enjoy knowing there is one less "easy target" out there for predators to prey on. Learning about defense isn't just about guns either. 90% of it is mindset... knowing and believing they will survive because they can spot a threat, avoid it, deter it... and stop it, if all else fails.
After yesterday's classroom portion, as we were about to go out to the range a woman heard the loud pops of the guns when the range door opened and she'd left before I turned back around.
I wanted to run out after her. I wanted to offer her comfort. I wanted her to know that I would stay right by her side through it all. However, I had 8 other students with me that needed to shoot so doing that was impossible.
This morning, I am thinking about her. I am thinking about how to ensure my students feel safe enough to face something that is scary to them. To all the women out there who may feel like her, I want you to know....
You can always come to me. You can tell me anything. I am completely judgement free. Learning to shoot can be overwhelming. Add in the loudness of gun fire and the added loudness of an indoor range... it can be pretty tough to convince ourselves to go out there and do something we aren't at all familiar with doing.
My goal for every student is to make sure they feel comfortable handling a gun. It is my mission to ensure you don't feel like you are in over your head. That is my number 1 priority... not to just throw you out there and push you through the rounds. I promise you, I am adaptable and I will be there for your needs when out on the range.
That being said, I feel like I need to say this as well..... As a woman with severe anxiety in situations where I am completely uncertain .... as a woman who has learned to adapt and make my anxiety my bitch... I want to help you face the things that scare you. I will NOT make you do anything you aren't comfortable with. I WILL be there for you as much or as little as you need me to be..... but you have to tell me. You have to be able to say.... "I can't" for me to be able to tell you YOU CAN.... and then show you how.
When I started Jiu-jitsu I was a shaking mess. I had tears rolling down my face after every class. My body was so tense.... I literally had to fight off the desire to fight ...or flee. Most of the time I wanted to run. I wanted to get out. I wanted to get away from everyone and curl into a little ball.
In jiu-jitsu there is no such a thing as personal space. You and your training partner become real close friends in a matter of seconds. Your faces are pressed together. Boobs are everywhere. Hands are grabbing you in places strangers shouldn't be touching. It was extremely scary for me. Every. single. time.
The first male I was partnered with must have really believed I was crazy. The move we were doing required me to straddle him as he laid on his back.
Imagine me.... on top of a strange man.... in the middle of a class full of people. I was shaking like a salt shaker and tears were flowing down my face. I couldn't breathe. I had tunnel vision. Oh, yea... fight or flight was kicking in. I fought every part of my body that day. My brain was screaming RUN!!! Every muscle was tense and urging me to do the same. My entire body was in freak out mode. I was in Code Black.
Then, I heard the instructor say, as I am straddling this dude and trembling so hard I swear I thought he was going to get a ((whispers)) woody ((whispers)).... "This is Erin and she has sever anxiety......."
My eyes went wide and I looked at this poor guy I was sitting on like I was a deer caught in the headlights. What happened next changed everything. My partner said to me, "It's ok. Look at me. Just look at me."
Now, that could have really made things awkward considering I was scared to death I was going to give this guy a hard on by gyrating all over him but, actually, the complete opposite happened. His voice was so calm and reassuring that I froze. My brain stopped panicking long enough for me to get a grasp on reality. At that moment I saw my "in". ... . I saw my opportunity to redirect my brain and I took it.
Snap out of it! You are fine. He isn't going to hurt you. Get a hold of yourself, woman!
Seems silly but I mentally bitch slapped myself back into reality. I was in a safe place. My partner was there to help, as any GOOD training partner would be. It was ME who had to calm the crazy. And... I did. Mehh... well....sort of.
I may have still been shaking but my brain wasn't in over load. I wasn't in "Code Black" anymore. I COULD function. I HAD to function. I NEEDED to learn to defend myself and I needed to learn HOW to do that without going into meltdown mode.
My training partner and I worked through the move. He was an excellent teacher, not because we got a lot done... but because it wasn't about "getting done" for him. For him it was simply about getting me through the panic.
Come to find out... my training partner was a state police officer and he was trained in de-escalation techniques. I don't know what you think but I am pretty sure all things happen for a reason. And that day.... that day solidified that belief for me.
I know firearms can be a very scary thing for some. I know I am not some firearms guru that can magically stop that fear for you. Reality is... YOU have to be the one to stop the fear... to end the threat, so to speak. My job is to help you do that. So... look at me. It IS ok. I am and will be there for what you need. Even if that means we don't "get done" and we just "get through". That is still success.