Before you start reading, know that this is going to be some-what raw and may be upsetting to some readers.
"Oh, come on. Have I ever hurt you? I would never do anything to hurt you. I love you. Just give me a kiss. It's just a kiss. Come here."
He said this because I pushed away. For the first time ever, I started to fight.
As he pulled onto the shoulder, right down the road from Kenmore Elementary School... my school.... a safe place where no one would hurt me... I knew what he wanted. A kiss. It was "just a kiss".
He pulled me closer. I had tears in my eyes. My soul felt as if it was tearing out of my body. My entire being was screaming, vibrating inside of me and against my skin.
'No! I don't want this. I can't do this. This is wrong. Help me! There's no one. No one will help. SHE doesn't care. No one will. It's just me... and him.'
Nothing came out. Nothing ever came out of my mouth. It was as if I literally didn't have a voice... no vocal cords ... no idea how to form sounds with my lips. The words were stuck in my throat. I could feel them pressing against my tongue. I was choking on them. I wanted to vomit. It hurt so bad to hold it in. His lips touched mine... and then... darkness came.
My grandfather loved to ride around town. We always went for rides. He drove a Mercury Grand Marquis. It rode like a dream, floated on air almost. I remember it well. It was a silverish olive green and had all the bells and whistles. He had to have the best.
There were entire summers at his house by the beach. As a child we lived on Cherry Hill Road, outside of town surrounded by creeks and cow farms. There were long drives from my house to his. He would always offer to pick me up, making it easy on my mom. She never had to bring me to the beach. Oh, how I enjoyed the beach. I looked forward to hours in the water. He never went in the water. He would stand on the shore or on the boardwalk, his binoculars in hand to keep an eye on me.
I would go out past where the waves formed, swimming and floating until I lost track of time. I fought the biggest waves Bethany Beach had to offer just to get out that far. I was an excellent swimmer. I had to be. I had to stay safe.
The freedom that ocean brought to me was peaceful. I could forget the world around me. I could forget what he had done to me. I could almost forget, for moments at a time, what he was going to do when I had to leave the safety of that ocean.... my ocean.
At night, I would hurry to bed.
'If I fall asleep before he comes in... maybe it will be ok.'
I remember laying there, as still as I could. Breathing slow, deep, and even. I tried to make it believable I was asleep. I had to believe it. I HAD to go to sleep.
I heard the door creak open, saw the sliver of light from the hallway. I knew it was him but I didn't dare open my eyes. Tighter and tighter, I squeezed every muscle, trying to contain my soul that was fighting to escape. It wanted to leave... to get away.... to leave me there with him. It must have broke free because all I remember was.... pitch black.