We have all experienced someone's narcissistic behaviors at some point in our lives. Some, recognize it right away and end it. For others, it isn't so simple. Just know, there is no judgement here.
The feigning of love and empathy.
"Awe, yeah... she is just so amazing, isn't she?"
"I know, right? I couldn't be more proud of him!"
And, then... they go home and treat that person they just pretended to be ever so fond of like absolute shit. ((barf face))
Most abusers seem supportive, encouraging, loving, and appreciative.... in public. Many view them as givers, wonderful, a role model.
In private, they are really just jealous, insecure, needy assholes. These characteristics especially come out when they are reminded of the good things about those they victimize. I mean, they did work really hard to rip those positives out of our vocabulary ((eye roll)).
In every abusive relationship there was one thing I could ALWAYS count on if I was praised by someone else .... punishment.
Punishment could be anything from criticism, accusing, nagging, verbal aggression, verbal violence, physical aggression, physical violence, or absolute silence.
Have you ever been so proud of yourself or of something you did that you rushed right home to tell your captor ... I mean your abuser.. uh err umm... your lover?
How did they respond?
Indifferent? Angry? Sad?
If so, how did their response dictate your behavior?
Did you start to worry that your success might upset them in some way? Perhaps, it would make them angry? Make them feel less-than?
Did you start to question yourself? Did you start hiding your successes? Did you catch yourself dulling your shine in order to protect them... and, in turn, yourself?
Assholes SMH.
Think about it. They just cannot risk having their victims gain confidence in who they really are. They will put a stop to it, one way or another.
One of the biggest things we all tend to experience in abusive relationships is CONFUSION.
Belittlement. Shame. Guilt. Criticism. Punishment. All lead down a one way road to being confused about what is happening.
We begin to wonder if WE are the insensitive assholes. We begin to wonder if we did a good deed just to make them look bad. We question what we did, our motives for doing it, and sometimes... we just plain question if we did anything at all -OR- if we are making it up completely so as to make the abuser look bad.
If the narcissist has their way, they'd prefer that last one. The more crazy you feel, the easier it is for them to gain complete control of you.
Let's think about children for a second. If we catch them stealing a candy bar when they are 5... what are their usual responses to being caught?
They will swear til the cats come home that they didn't do it. We know they did. We saw them. We watched them take it from the shelf and put it in their pocket. We KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that little shit is guilty ((face palm)).
BUT! when we tell them we KNOW they did it because we saw them do it... what's the next step to getting out of it?
Cry and continue to swear they didn't do it. The silent treatment and anger over getting caught. Cry and apologize profusely because they are able accept they made a mistake.
Scream and get angry that you didn't believe their lie over what you literally witnessed.
What happens when we do for one child but not the other?
God forbid, we give Suzy a pretty pink cup and give Tory an ugly orange one. Yikes!
Children who are learning to value themselves often look to others for how to determine that value. They look at other's responses to determine what theirs should be. Even as adults we may not see the good we have unless we see how others react to their own. We get so wrapped up in the bad surrounding us that it becomes very hard to recognize the good, at times. However, most adults are able to take a step back to evaluate and determine the reality. Narcissists cannot. They absolutely can't.
"What Cannot Be Communicated To The [m]other Cannot Be Communicated To The Self."
- John Bowlby on Attatchment Theory
In my opinion, narcissists are children who never emotionally matured. They are adults who either (A) don't have the brain function to process negative emotions for organic reasons or (B) were abused/neglected and brain development was stunted because of it.
It's as if their whole world revolves around constantly proving their worthiness ... even when they have done nothing to deserve it. In other words, they will tear you down in order to create their own throne.
There is a whole lot more science to it, I'm sure, but for today's blogging purposes... let's just minimize it to this.
As women, we come with certain built in responses. The strongest one is to protect and nurture. For women who were denied protection or nurturing as children... we tend to feel pitty or guilt for others who may have experienced or are experiencing those same things/emotions.
I hate it when people say, "We attract what we put out."
It feels like people are saying we get what we deserve. But, I know, that's not what that means. It simply means.... we recognize, in others, the pain we have experienced. We identify with others who have gone through or are going through similar things we have gone through or are going through.
Keep this in mind though. Some may feel like they are still going through what they experienced in the past. They may not have been able to take that step back and evaluate what their current reality is. For them... their perception is their reality.
When we talk about perception, one of the best analogies I have heard to explain, is this...
There is a car accident. A person standing to the right of it sees what happens from their side. A person standing to the left of it sees it from theirs. Often, there are differences. The person on the left may have seen something the person on the right did not. And vice versa.
What one person sees does not invalidate what the other saw. Their realities are very much real. You can't change their perception of what happened because they saw it with their own eyes.
We can apply this to narcissists.
They KNOW you lied to them because you said "I'm leaving the store now."
What they didn't and could not see from their side is.... the kid spilled juice on his pants and had to be changed. Terry from church stopped you in the parking lot to say hi and catch up. Joe from work was parked next to you and asked how the board meeting went on Tuesday.
Bottom line (to THEM) is... you lied. Bottom line (to THEM) is, those other people must be more important than them because you took time to talk rather than keep your word. You can't change that. That is their reality.
What does that cause? Confusion.
What do we do? Try to explain.
How does this end? Our focus ends up on the abuser because, in their eyes, we hurt them. Protect and nurture, right?
What happens when fear is introduced to the equation?
Fear of accusations... being left behind... disapproval.
Fear of yelling, screaming, verbal aggression and violence.
Fear of physical aggression and/abuse?
Yeah, narcissists know just how to trap us. They are experts. This is their means of survival. They have to be good at it or their whole perceptive world comes tumbling down. You are how they prove their worth.
So, NO, you do NOT deserve this. They have been conditioning you from the very first day they met you.
Feigning love and empathy.
Sympathy and guilt.
Blame and shame.
Indifference.
Criticism.
Love bombing.
Gas-lighting.
Lying.
Mood swings.
Intimidation and fear.
Punishment.
Who stands a chance against such a well thought out and proven strategy when our most basic instincts are to protect and nurture?
Add in previous conditioning from abusive grandparents, parents, family members, teachers.... how could we see this coming when it all seems so normal to us? It's not like it stood out to us.
OR... if you have never experienced behaviors like this... instant confusion and an inability to process and accept what just happened. We excuse it, dismiss it, justify it all in the name of love. And, I don't mean this in a harsh or belittling way. Finding love truly is the ultimate goal in life and the driving force behind accepting people for who they are. People have and will continue to accept others if they truly love them. Isn't that what we are taught to do from birth? To forgive? Treat others how we wish to be treated?
Unfortunately, as good people we are targets for true predators.
Never feel guilty for getting in too deep. Be nothing but proud when you realize... this is NOT ok. Be strong when deciding enough is enough. You have battled evil for so long already... you can absolutely defeat it. After all, who knows the abuser the best? Those who have been under their control. You can win. You can break free. You just have to step back, evaluate, plan, and DO.