Have you ever gotten one of those emails that says, "Is this you? If you do not pay us X amount of dollars, we will send this video to all of your friends."
Jokes on them, if it was a video of me doing something naughty.... pretty sure MY friends would be proud. Sooooo.... yeah. I ain't skeered.
Yup, we're gonna do this. Let's talk about sex. Specifically, sex after having gone through some form of abuse.
There is one thing I have found common among women who have gone through similar life experiences as I have. The feeling of being NUMB.
BDSM is a pretty known life style around the world. The one thing everyone in that particular circle seems to have in common? Abuse and/or neglect.
I can't speak for the others, only myself, when I say this. BDSM is a way to FEEL things.... a way to take back your power..... and it gives you a sense of control over your own body.
Often, my anxiety is off the charts when it comes to sex. Thoughts in my head be like...
"Shit, I'm naked. He can see me. Well, fuck... now he knows I'm fat. Thank goodness it's dark in here. Did I do a good enough job today? Is the house clean? Do I deserve to feel good? Damn it, I didn't even make him a good dinner. Chicken nuggets?? Serously?? I definitely don't deserve pleasure. Why am I such a piece of shit? I can't even put on something nice for when he comes home."
Meanwhile, I missed several opportunities to have .. you know... the big O.
Every single one of these are a response to abuse. The idea that 'we don't deserve' is drilled so deeply into us that we just can't let go. I mean, he knew I was fat when he married me so ...it seems kinda silly to worry about that while my legs are over his shoulders ((shrugs)).
The problem is, when we are at our most vulnerable ... when we feel completely exposed.... every single crazy thought pounds through our minds like a t-rex in a foot cast. Boom. Boom. Boom.
So, here's how we fix that. Distraction. We replace the numb with something that makes us feel and stops us from thinking. A rope around our wrists, tight enough to keep our focus off of thinking about how many rolls we have, and, turns on the ability to FEEL. A nice crack on our asses to snap us back into the moment. Yup, that'll do it.
Truth is, there is a bold line between BDSM and abuse. The difference is... rules. There are hundreds of rules between partners who engage in BDSM practices. In abuse, not a single rule and all bets are off. They are polar opposites.
Rules VS No rules.
Absolute respect VS Absolutely no respect.
Powerful VS Powerless.
The ability to stop it VS There is no stopping it.
There are a lot of misunderstandings when it comes to this life style. My goal isn't to sway anyone to one side or the other with this blog post. I just want some to see the WHY behind it. I want people to understand there's no shame in it. What would be a shame is to go through life numb, orgasm-less, and feeling completely unworthy of one of the very basic things our bodies are designed to do. FEEL. So, we improvise.
Have any of you seen the movie 'The Secretary'? It's a strange movie and a bit more extreme than what I have talked about but.....it IS the original 50 Shades. Mr. Grey is the very definition of a tortured soul, as is the female character, Lee Holloway.
This movie really does an amazing job depicting the bond between partners... the numbness on both sides...and the need for approval/permission to feel. If it's your kind of thing... it's pretty intense. If you can get past the "strangeness". There's your warning. Heed it or not.
The bottom line is this.... we didn't ask for what was given to us in our past. What we are asking for now, as consenting adults, is permission from our SELF to accept pleasure. Some times...we just need a little nudge.